NHL Realignment Project – Week 44: A Memo From the Machines

The message, as week 44 framed it, was intercepted from the machine communication network. It showed a system of bread and circuses that the machines had implemented to placate the masses, including a hockey league realigned to maximize its appeal and effectiveness. The one fatal error: they left out the people of Hamilton, Ontario.

A memo to the Bread and Circuses program

The conceit carried the whole post. An electronic memo reported that efforts to create and maintain a level of acceptance in the minds of the subjugated human fuel cells had been reviewed and deemed a success for the 1,917th cycle.

The method was population reach: the top 24 Combined Statistical Areas in the United States, with the inclusion of the largest standalone Metropolitan Statistical Areas in Miami, Phoenix, San Diego and Tampa, plus the 8 largest Canadian Census Metropolitan Areas.

Eight cities in, six out

Two conferences of control

The breakdown into two conferences is described in the memo as a legacy format based on the 1967 expansion and bifurcation of the NHL, continued by the operative known as Agent Bettman upon achieving his super-admin post on 1 February 1993.

Each conference is further subdivided into four divisions to help further regional collectivism and rivalry, and thus facilitate control of the humans therein.

The 82-game program

• Six games against each division rival, three at home and three on the road: 18 games.
• Four games against in-conference opponents, two at home and two away: 48 games.
• Two games against out-of-conference opponents, one at home and one away: 32 games.

Playoff protocol

Four division winners from each conference qualify, seeded first through fourth by record, and the four best records among non-division winners take wild cards seeded fifth through eighth. Round one is 1 versus 8, 2 versus 7, 3 versus 6 and 4 versus 5 with home ice to the higher seed, round two reseeds highest against lowest, round three is the conference final, and round four is the Stanley Cup Final with home ice going to the team with the best record. All series are best-of-seven in the 2-2-1-1-1 format.

The rebranding review

A sub-program review listed the identities the new clubs would wear: the Houston Sabres on the current Buffalo logo, the Orlando Devils from a New Jersey concept, the Quebec Tempest from a Ryan Barber concept, the Sacramento Royals, the San Diego Ducks on the current Anaheim logo and the Seattle Metros from a Ryan Haslett concept. The Sacramento name, the post admitted, was invented on the spot because nothing else could be found.

The joke is the point. Strip the science fiction away and week 44 is a 32-team map with four divisions per conference, an 82-game schedule and a playoff bracket, dressed up as a machine's idea of crowd control.